Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like the worst mom ever? Yeah, me too. Actually, today is one of those days. I wish I knew the right thing to say, or how to nurture my daughter through her hard feelings, instead I got angry and lashed out, making the situation worse.
Instead of helping her through her big feelings, I allow my “bigger feelings” to overpower hers.
So what’s a mom to do?
🌼 Quick Takeaways
- Kids act out when they’re scared, not just defiant.
- Big emotions often mask deeper fears—loss, rejection, or change.
- You don’t have to parent perfectly—just stay honest, connected, and committed to growth.
- Emotional intelligence is not weakness; it’s the secret weapon of cycle-breaking moms.
More often than not, I shut down.
Like this moment. I retreat. I hide.
I stew in frustration and disgust at my anger and embarrassment for how I responded, completely unaware of how to move forward to help her.
You see, the problem her and I are having at the moment is the fact that I recently started seeing someone “new”, but not really new. I rekindled a relationship with my oldest son’s father, whom I was married to nearly 13 years ago.
The weirdest part is she’s known him her whole life. She’s never had a problem with him prior to this and has always been very friendly. But the moment he became my romantic partner the script flipped… but why?
I may have a couple of answers…
- She doesn’t want to replace her father who passed away, and doesn’t want me to either.
- She is not used to “sharing me” and had a similar reaction of emotions when her youngest brother was born.
- Maybe she thinks I don’t want her anymore?
- She’s scared she will be pushed aside.
Could these be the reasons it is so hard for single mothers to date?
And furthermore, what is at the bottom of these emotions?
Why Is My Child Acting Out?
Understanding the Fear Behind Big Feelings
Is it a fear of rejection?
A fear of abandonment?
A fear of the unknown?
Maybe it’s the idea that this new person brings new change. What is really driving these angry outbursts in my daughter (and maybe your child too)? Let’s dive into it together, shall we.
From My Childhood to Hers: How Change Shaped Us Both
When I was a young girl, I remember my parents splitting up after many years of volatility. For me, it was a dream come true. Freedom from the sleepless nights, screaming fights, and cops coming to our house too many times to count.
For my brother it was his nightmare. We were just 12 and 13 years old when they split up, yet my brother carried the pain of their divorce into his 30’s with the hope of reconciliation never far from his mind. So many times I tried to convince him that this was the best thing for all of us, yet he never accepted it. It was too big of a change for him.
From the age of 13 he spiraled out of control, ending up in juvie, gangs, and running with all the wrong crowds. Eventually the pain of all he had endured led him to seek substances to numb his pain, but only made him feel worse.
For many, change can have such a negative impact on their life.
Divorce.
Death.
Moving to a new city.
Major loss of a job or home.
These are just some of the top contributors to mental health issues in children who will suffer in adulthood according to the CDC.
Big Losses, Big Emotions: What My Daughter Has Endured
My daughter experienced the second one twice. First the loss of her father in 2022, followed by the loss of her uncle in 2024.
Losing her father has hit her the hardest. But losing her uncle hasn’t been a walk in the park either.
So what can I do? How can I help her?
Helping Children Cope with Change
1. Create Emotional Safety
Let her know that all her emotions are welcome—without judgment or pressure to “be okay” quickly.
Validate, don’t fix: “It makes sense that you feel unsure or upset. You love your dad, and this is a big change.”
Make space for her grief and love for her father. You can love someone new and still honor the past. She needs to hear that you do too.
Let her be honest without guilt: Let her say “I don’t like him right now,” or “I miss how it was before,” without feeling wrong.
2. Use Gentle Routines as Anchors
Even when relationships change, her life needs predictability.
Keep bedtime, dinner, or after-school rituals consistent, so she doesn’t feel like everything is changing.
Let her know: “Some things will change, but our bond never will.”
3. Invite Jesus into Her Emotions
This season is sacred ground. God can use it to draw her closer to Him.
Model simple, honest prayer:
“Jesus, I feel worried and confused. Please help me trust You and feel safe.”
Remind her: “God is big enough for every feeling. Even the ones we don’t know how to talk about yet.”
Scriptures to lean on:
Psalm 56:3 – “When I am afraid, I will trust in You.”
Isaiah 41:10 – “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”
4. Teach Emotional Coping Skills
Help her recognize and express her feelings in safe, healthy ways.
Create a “Feelings Spot” with soft items, journals, or a feelings wheel.
Teach her phrases like:
“I feel worried that someone is trying to take Daddy’s place.”
“I feel mad that you want to be with someone else.”
Let her draw her feelings when words are hard.
🫶 5. Reassure Her of Her Place
One of her biggest fears might be:
“Will I be forgotten? Will Mom love him more than me?”
Be direct and loving: “No one could ever take your place. You are my daughter, and you are deeply loved.”
Say often: “You are not being replaced. And your daddy isn’t being replaced either.”
Keep her involved in conversations and reassured she’s still your top priority.
6. Talk About Her Dad—Often and With Honor
Sometimes children feel they are betraying a lost parent by accepting someone new.
Keep her dad’s memory alive in your home.
Talk about him, pray together, look at pictures, or keep a special memory box.
Reassure her: “Loving someone new doesn’t erase how much we love Daddy. Our hearts just get bigger.”
7. Watch for Signs She Needs Extra Support
Children often express deep emotions through behavior rather than words.
Be mindful of changes like acting out, withdrawing, trouble sleeping, or separation anxiety.
If needed, seek a grief-informed child counselor or Christian therapist to walk alongside her (and you).
8. Speak Truth Over Her Identity
Changes in the family dynamic can shake her sense of who she is.
Reaffirm her worth:
“You are chosen, loved, and irreplaceable.”
“Nothing will ever change how loved you are—not a new relationship, not anything.”
Invite her to write affirmations or scriptures and tape them to her mirror.
Sample Words for Hard Days:
“I know this is hard, baby. I miss Daddy too, and nothing will ever change how special he is. You’re not being replaced. And I want you to know—it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling. I’m here. And Jesus is too.”
How to Stay Calm When Your Child Is Struggling
Sometimes staying calm in the midst of a child’s tantrum is like trying to hold still while getting a root canal at the dentist with no anesthetic. It’s painful. But, we have to remember that as frustrating as these tantrums or outbursts are for us, they are awful for our children too.
Of course they don’t want to feel this way. They don’t want to hurt. And they certainly aren’t behaving this way because they want to. What’s actually happening is an emotional storm is brewing inside of them and they have no idea how to calm it.
They are scared.
They are hurting.
And they just need our love.
So here’s what we can do:
1. The “Lighthouse” Mindset
Shift from matching her storm… to being her safe shore.
When she’s angry, withdrawn, or saying hurtful things (e.g., “I wish you weren’t dating him!” or “You don’t care about Dad anymore”), your job isn’t to convince or control—your job is to stand steady like a lighthouse.
Mantra:
“She’s not attacking me. She’s reaching for me through pain.”
“I can stand still and shine light—even when the waves crash.”
2. Emotional Grounding for You (30-Second Reset)
When your body is revving up (heart racing, clenched jaw, defensive thoughts), try this quick reset before responding.
Exercise (anywhere, even silently):
Plant your feet on the ground
Relax your shoulders
Take one long, deep breath
Inhale: “Jesus, ground me in Your peace.”
Exhale: “Let me respond with love.”
Repeat: “She’s hurting, not rejecting me. I can hold both of us with compassion.”
3. Grief Acknowledgment Journaling
This is heavy stuff—you’re navigating your own grief, guilt, and new love at the same time.
Journaling prompts:
“What is the hardest part of dating as a widowed mom?”
“What am I afraid will happen to my relationship with my child?”
“What do I want her to know about my love for her and for her dad?”
“What does Jesus want to say to me in this moment?”
Let it be messy. Grief and joy are both welcome.
4. “Pre-Decide” Response Plan
Decide now how you’ll respond when emotions flare, so you’re not winging it in the heat of the moment.
For example:
When she says: “You’re trying to replace Dad!”
You respond: “Oh, sweetheart… I could never replace your daddy. No one can. And I would never ask you to stop loving him. You are safe to love him forever. And I love you forever, too.”
Write down 2–3 phrases you want to memorize and use as anchors.
5. Release Prayer: For When You Feel Torn or Guilt-Ridden
Your child’s pain doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means life is hard, and you’re both navigating it as best you can.
Prayer:
“Lord, I feel torn between honoring the past and embracing the future.
Help me carry both with love.
Guard my daughter’s heart. Let her feel safe, not scared.
Heal what I can’t see, and hold what I can’t fix.
Make me a mom of wisdom, compassion, and courage.”
6. Post-Upset Cooldown Plan
After a tough moment with your daughter, instead of spiraling, take 5 minutes to:
Do a body reset: Stretch, wash your face, step outside barefoot
Speak truth to yourself: “I’m still a good mom. I’m learning. She is hurting, not rejecting me.”
Pray over her (even silently): “Lord, speak to her heart where I cannot.”
Gentle Reminder:
You don’t have to “get it perfect” to be emotionally intelligent. You just need to stay present, stay honest, and be willing to circle back for connection and repair.
Bigger Consequences to Untamed Emotions
Have you ever noticed that our kids have an amazing aptitude for pushing just the right button to get us to lose our cool? Or is that just me?
Motherhood is unpredictable—just like that time macaroni and pee collided in my house.
Sometimes I try to play my internal mantra of “stay calm”, “deep breaths”, or “wooosahhhh” (no really, I actually do that). But then my attempt at staying in my calm bubble is popped.
My child lets out the painful words of:
“You’re the worst mom EVER!”
“I wish my dad was here and NOT YOU!”
Or, my all time favorite for my 8-year-old who thinks she’s 17 (God help me!)
“You’re ruining my liiiifffeeeee!” , she wails with the kind of drama only an 8-year-old can muster.
Talk about a knife to the heart and a kick to the stomach. The pain is felt and steam shoots out of my ears. Oops.
Listen mama, I’m not going to pretend that I have all the answers. But I am trying my best, just as I know you are. So if you’ve ever blown a gasket know that you aren’t the first and you certainly aren’t the last, and it DOES NOT make you a horrible mother. You’re a person. You have feelings. And our kids know exactly what button to push to get us to react.
It’s just our job to learn how to kill the button so that no matter how many times they push it, our gaskets stay in tact and no steam comes shooting out.
How? By learning emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence Isn’t Weak—It’s Warrior Work
Emotional intelligence is not a word I heard until about a year ago. Up to this moment it’s still not one that I hear widely circulated and definitely not one that most understand.
Basically, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and regulate one’s emotions in a healthy way. It’s kind of a modern day super power because it seems to be pretty scarce.
Even my own frustration in my daughter’s emotions and lack of control in mine was a display of a lack of emotional intelligence.
Now, I get everyone gets upset now and again. But, what are the real consequences to not learning and displaying emotional intelligence as parents?
According to The Very Well Mind, children of emotionally immature parents often struggle with:
❌Difficulty setting personal boundaries.
❌A constant need for validation.
❌Fear of abandonment.
❌Difficulty expressing your emotions freely.
Unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms, including using substances to numb feelings and escape reality.
At their core they are looking for love, acceptance, and validation from anyone and anywhere because they never received the biblical love they deserved from their parents.
Ugh, sounding a little too close to home for me as both a daughter and a mother. Gulp.
These children often turn outward to be fulfilled because they do not have the self-esteem or self-worth to validate themselves on their own.
They can either end up being severely codependent or the opposite side of the coin – narcissistic – yikes.
Of course we don’t want to raise our children to end up being either codependent or narcissistic. We want them to be happy, whole brained adults who love themselves and are able to choose the right people who will love them properly.
So what’s a mom to do?
For me, it’s as simple as taking daily steps to learn emotional maturity and admit where I’m wrong and do better.
That can look like:
1. Start With You: Self-Awareness is the Seed
Emotional maturity is learned. That means you can unlearn old habits and build new ones—starting now.
Ask yourself gently:
When I get overwhelmed, how do I usually react?
What do I say that I later regret?
Where did I learn how to respond this way?
Even these reflections can bring healing. You’re becoming more conscious, and that’s powerful.
Try This Practice:
When you mess up, pause and say out loud:
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t okay. I’m learning how to do this better.”
Your kids—especially the older ones—may not know how to respond right away. But they’ll remember your effort.
2. Repair is More Powerful Than Perfection
You don’t have to parent perfectly. But you do need to repair it when things break.
For example:
“I was short with you earlier, and that wasn’t fair. I want to understand you, not control you.”
Over time, these small repairs create trust—even with a teenager who may act like they don’t care.
3. Parent Each Child for Their Season
A 3-year-old, 8-year-old, and 16-year-old need different versions of you, but all of them need:
✔Safety
✔Consistency
✔Emotional availability
Here’s a simple guide:
3-year-old: Needs you to co-regulate (stay calm so they can learn calm).
8-year-old: Needs structure with empathy—“I see you’re upset. Let’s talk when you’re ready.”
16-year-old: Needs space, respect, and you to own your growth—”I wish I had known what I know now when you were younger, but I’m not giving up on us.”
4. Learn the Pause
Most emotionally reactive parenting comes from not knowing how to pause before reacting.
Try this:
When triggered, whisper to yourself, “This isn’t about me. My job is to stay steady.”
You don’t have to respond right away. You can always say:
“Give me a minute. I need to calm down so I don’t say something I regret.”
That’s modeling emotional maturity. That’s being the cycle-breaker.
The biggest thing is to be willing to humble yourself as a parent, come to your child and admit where you messed up and ask for forgiveness. Then, do your very best to not do it again.
Let Grace Lead: What to Do After You Mess Up
What I’m learning is that perfection is not required as a parent. Children are so forgiving even when sometimes they would be completely justified in saying “nah, I’ll pass, you suck.”
Yet they don’t. They forgive. They love. And they move forward.
I know I need to do better at creating a peaceful home for my kiddos that reflects the gentle love and patience of Christ. And though I wasn’t fully successful in my parenting today, I know I can do better and I’m committed to taking the next moment and be better.
What about you, mama?
In what ways are you looking at yourself and saying “I can be better.”?
Remember, reflection is okay. It’s a good thing.
As parents we reflect on where we can improve rather than shaming or beating ourselves to an emotional pulp for the mistakes we’ve made. Because the truth is, no matter how we got here, we were once children with big emotions too and not all of us were taught how to deal with those big emotions.
So today, let’s make a commitment to ourselves and to our children to continue to learn how to wrangle those big emotions and share what we’re learning so that our little ones can develop the emotional intelligence they deserve.
Are you with me?
You’re Not Alone, Mama
Have you navigated a similar emotional moment with your child? I’d love to hear how you handled it—or how you’re still learning to.
