Toddler hugs are the best, aren’t they? So warm, squeezing and filled with the greatest force they can muster. And always welcome, of course! But once in a while those sweet hugs come with an extra surprise.
Last Thursday my sweet almost 4-year-old ran up to me, jumped with all of his might and clung to my left thigh like a baby monkey hanging on for dear life. “I love you mommy”, he exclaimed.
Immediately my heart swelled as I emptied my hands from the laundry I had been folding and gently rubbed the top of his head, combing his short brown locks with my fingernails.
Sweetly, he looked up at me and smiled. Without warning my hands instinctively swooped down under his arm pits and pulled him up to my chest. Hugging him tightly I kissed his cheek and rubbed my nose against his as he let out a little giggle.
Seconds later my snuggly boy wiggled his way down and off he went as fast as his little legs could take him.
Returning to my ever-growing pile of laundry I ran my fingers through my messy -was done this morning but you couldn’t tell now – hair only to find a hardened clump at the end.
Lifting my hair up to get a better look I immediately felt a sticky residue coat my fingertips, leaving them with a slightly green tint.
“YUCK!! What on earth is in my hair?” I wondered to myself.
Suddenly, my bouncy little boy ran by in a flash!
“Super bodhi!!!” He exclaimed with one fist pointed ahead of his body as if leading the way, and his other balled up tightly at his side. Looking closer, something caught my eye. The tiny fist clutched at his side was not simply super hero clutched, but I’m holding onto something I should have let go of hours ago – clutched. Tight, impenetrable, and unclenching.
“Bodhi!” I called behind him as I turned his direction.
With what seemed like a bolt of actual super hero power – or toddler excitement – he glanced over his right shoulder, the corners of his mouth curled slightly and his eyebrows raised, accepting the challenge presented to him.
“You’ll never catch me villain!” He shouted from his high speed sprint!
He was fast, I’ll give you that. Increasing my speed, I caught up with him about three-quarters of the way down our semi-long, rugless hallway and scooped him up in my arms.
“Noooo villain!” He shouted. “You caught me!”
Giving him a quick gotcha kiss, I lifted his tiny wrist to get a better look at his clutched fingers in hopes of understanding what goop he deposited in my freshly washed hair (2 days counts right?) just moments ago.
Green coloring oozed from his hand as a sticky film helped tiny balls of lint and hair catch a ride on my tiny boy.
Peeling his fingers open as he attempted to wriggle out of my grasp, I saw it.
Sticky.
Gooey.
Brown and green?
Nearly unrecognizable.
Was it poop?
Good Lord, please don’t let it be poop. I prayed silently.
Lifting his open, sticky, and very questionable palm up towards my face, I gave a very cautious sniff.
Chocolate. Whew!
A huge sigh of relief escaped my lips as I realized that this tiny, unrecognizable mess was actually a green m&m that he had saved from …well, somewhere. When was the last time we even had M&M’s? I wondered.
Nothing a baby wipe couldn’t fix.
Wiping his tiny hands and removing the mess was easy. I released my superhero-toddler to continue saving the world and went back to laundry.
But, as I followed the motions – wash, dry, fold, hang, and put away – the Lord quietly spoke to my heart.
“You, Dionna, are the M&M.”
Say what, God? I thought as questions arose in my mind. I know I’m a little messy most days, but not that bad, right?
His still small voice filled my heart as he spoke, “The world has mushed you, smothered you, tarnished you in ways that you almost don’t even recognize yourself. But, you are still an M&M.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as His words penetrated my already broken heart.
I had been flopping like a fish out of water after the death of my husband and brother and often questioned who I was in the midst of this chaos now. I wondered day in and day out, how this could define me, or re-define me if you will. Why does death get to have the say in who I am now?
“You are so much more than your circumstances,” he whispered. “Death does not get the final say.”
In that moment, I saw that before grief ever called me “widow”, God had already decided who I was.
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)
And though at times we feel like that M&M: Smushed, messy, sticky, and unrecognizable. But just like that M&M, no matter who’s careful – or not so careful – hands end up in… it does not change who we are.
Just like that smushed M&M, we were made with a specific intention in mind. We were created with a beautiful design that shows us who we are and whose we are. And no matter the circumstance that we face in this world, life or death, blessing or curses, joy or pain, we are only defined by the one thing and person that matters… Our Creator.
God reminded me that no matter how much the world squishes us or carries us into circumstances that God never intended for us, our identity still stands. We were made in his image with his purpose in mind and nothing we experience can diminish our value or remove our God-given identity.
Despite the pain, we are still loved, cherished, set-apart, valued, forgiven, and redeemed.
And no matter the ugliness of the world YOU will always be a daughter of the most High.
And most importantly…
You are His.
So when you feel like you have been tarnished…
When you feel like you are being smushed…
And when you look into the mirror, barely able to recognize the person who stands before you, know this…
You are still His.
And because you are his, you are worthy, you are not defined by your pain, and you do have a bright future ahead of you.
Nothing can take that from you.
If that’s where you are my friend, let me tell you I have been there too.
I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and see someone I don’t recognize. To question “why I am right here, right now?” And to wonder why I’ve had to experience such pain and agony in this life.
But the Lord spoke softly to me, just as he is to you, and said “Daughter, no matter what you have been through, you are deeply loved, deeply cherished, deeply seen, and intimately known. Nothing in this world can define you, only I, your Father, can determine who you are. And in this world and the next to come – You are loved.”
So remember my friend, you are already known and loved by the only one who matters. And you don’t have to let your circumstances define you any longer. You are free, and more importantly…
You are His.
