There are times when I sit back and look at the world, my life, and my circumstances and wonder what might be coming next. I reflect back on the hardships I never knew I would face and imagine how much harder it would have been to make it through without our Heavenly Father by my side.
And yet, seeing clearly in hindsight, I still often look ahead with worry and angst, wondering how I will handle the next storm, almost as if God was not still my shelter.
And perhaps nowhere have I wrestled with this more than in my journey as a writer.
When I began dreaming about becoming a writer and author, my own authority failed me. Time and again, I heard people say, “You have to present yourself as an authority in your ‘niche.’” Yet imposter syndrome weighed heavier. I could hear what they were saying, yet the insecurities in my heart that told me I was not enough overrode any possibility of me becoming any kind of authority.
Authority to me meant qualified, knowledgeable, experienced, and somehow formally trained in whatever topic I was wanting to discuss. And because for so much of my life, I had come to believe I was “not enough,” I clearly had no room to become an authority anywhere.
Yet, the tugging at my heart said otherwise.
The desire to write overshadowed my own doubt. The need to feel my fingers tapping the keyboard as I watched the words flow from the inner chambers of my soul called to me day and night.
So I started. I wrote. Through doubt, I continued.
Days turned into weeks, and months turned into years.
Nearly daily, or sometimes weekly, I checked my analytics only to see no growth. No progress. No sales.
Nothing.
Discouragement set in, and doubt screamed in my mind.
Obviously, I’m not meant to be a writer.
So I quit.
Yet again, the tugging of my heart and desire to put words to paper sang from inside me.
I’ll give it another try, I told myself.
And then, with a lack of progress, I’d quit again.
What was I doing wrong? Why weren’t people interested in what I was writing? Was I not good enough? Was it the wrong audience? Maybe I didn’t even know my audience…
And somewhere in the middle of all that questioning, I began to realize something…
Somehow, I was my audience…
Maybe that was part of the point. Before I could minister to someone else through my writing, the Holy Spirit was ministering to me.
I found often that as the words flowed from my heart, it was rarely my own thoughts and feelings, but rather the ministering of the Holy Spirit to remind me that I am enough, that I am God’s daughter, and that He has a plan and a purpose for my life… no matter how things look right now.
As I continued to lean into the passion to write, I began to learn that it was not something I had created inside of myself somehow, but rather it was a God-given gift to allow me to minister to others walking in similar situations.
And though I did not feel enough, the Lord reminded me that it is never in my own strength and measure that “success” comes, but in His.
But if the gift was from God, then perhaps I needed to stop looking at my own qualifications and start looking at the One who had called me.
During my regular Bible study, the Lord spoke heavily through the apostle Paul when I read what others had said about him: “For some say, ‘His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.’”
You see, I have never been one to speak my mind openly. As a young child, I was quiet, shy, and reserved. I bottled my feelings up and rarely spoke my mind.
Yet, I wrote.
I kept a diary throughout every stage of my life from the time I learned to write, up through adulthood, and even to now.
When my tongue failed me, my hands never did.
Reading the words of Paul, I was instantly reminded of Moses and his feelings of inadequacy from his stutter, when he questioned his own ability to speak on behalf of God to Pharaoh: “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your servant, for I am slow of speech and tongue.”
In that moment, I realized something more profound than ever before….
My writing, my gift, my passion… was not about me, and it still isn’t.
It was never I that delivered a message, and it was certainly never from my own knowledge or authority. It was the Holy Spirit who spoke through me the words that my reader needed to hear. Just as it was the Holy Spirit who spoke through Paul and Moses and every other person God has used to share the beautiful message of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I had to realize that no matter how broken and unqualified I felt, it was not in my own strength that I accomplished anything, but by His alone.
Once I understood that, I could finally see my calling through a different lens.
Proverbs 16:9 tells us, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”
So, in all things, we must “trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5).
As business owners, aspiring writers, students, or even parents, we must always submit our plans to the Lord, ask Him for guidance, and when given the green light, be prepared to walk forward in full confidence, knowing that no matter how long it takes, the Lord will complete His good work in you and success will come.
But what does success look like?
Sometimes, our metrics may tell us there is no growth. No progress. No sales. Nothing.
But the numbers cannot measure obedience.
Success is not measured by the amount of money you make, the viewers you have, the sales driven, or the materials accumulated. Success is measured by our faithfulness to the work God has called us to do, even when the results we can see do not reflect the effort we have put in.
And ultimately, success is measured by the gentle hands of Jesus resting upon your shoulders as His eyes meet yours and He speaks the words every one of His children desires to hear:
“Well done, good and faithful servant.”
As you are drawn into His arms… forever.
The world may tell me I’m failing. The numbers may tell me there is no growth.
But if I am faithfully doing the work God has called me to do, then I am not failing.
Because ultimately, the prize is not here.
It is not found in the numbers, the recognition, the money, the sales, or the success the world can measure.
It is found in eternity.
It is found in the gentle hands of Jesus resting upon my shoulders as His eyes meet mine and He speaks the words we need to hear.
And in that moment, I will know that every step, every struggle, every unanswered question, every moment of doubt, and every time I wondered if I was enough was never about proving myself.
It was about being faithful. It was about being obedient.
And when the world tells me I’m failing, I can remember that God is still my shelter. He is still establishing my steps. He is still completing His good work in me.
And that is enough.
Amen.
